"Be Still" - my call to discern religious life

There is a saying that if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans. How many time have I made these big plans and then watched them change to something radically different? We all have plans that we make for our lives.  Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you says the Lord, plans for your welfare not for woe, plans to give you a future full of hope." God has a beautiful plan for us, we just have to be open to it.

My plans have been changed so many times. I applied for NET Ministries, not one, not two, but  three times. And the third time I really did not want to even send in the application. I dated a guy who I had a crush on all throughout high school after 3 years of college. I thought he was a great Catholic guy because went to Franciscan University. But he was far from dream guy. I wanted to get a big girl job right after I left NET, but instead I worked for six months for my parents on our farm.  I thought I was going to get married and have a million little catholic babies. Now  I am not so sure about that.

For the past few months I am really been praying about the direction of my life. I have a full time job, a college degree, some really good friends, a car, and a little spending money but I just have been wanting more. I have been feeling this feeling of restlessness in my heart. I just feel I am made for MORE. I am been praying for the Lord to reveal his will to me to help my to find what I am aching for. The scripture that has spoken to me is Exodus 14 :14 "The LORD will fight for your: you have only to keep still." 

KEEP STILL JESSICA! STAY WITH ME! TRUST IN ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOU HEART!

This is seriously what I was getting out of my prayer time for a good two weeks straight. "Be Still." And I was. I quietly waited for the Lord to reveal his heart to me.

Talking with friends, the wonder of Facebook, and the beautiful movement called Imagine Sisters (click to follow the link."  I have been opened up to the possibility of a calling to the religious life. Particularly to the Franciscan Sisters TOR of the Penance of the Sorrowful Mother. Something about seeing pictures of them, reading about their community and way of life, has given me sense of peace. Check out their community HERE!! They are based out of Steubenville, Ohio.

Recently, I spoke to their vocation director and am scheduled to go on one of their discernment weekends in February. It is a scary thing. But it is also exciting. Do I know that I am called to the religious life?? Heck NO! But I know that  the Lord is calling me to go and visit. And to see what happens.

This is my request from you. Please pray for me as I continue on this path. Pray for my discernment and openness to the Holy Spirit. I do not know what the future hold but I know that it will be FULL of HOPE!

Pursuit of Growth - One year Later



My Team Team 3 11-12

I am big on reflections. Looking back at the past to see the ways that I have grown and the ways that I have failed is something I have done annually for the last five years. My reflections have helped me to understand how God has worked me my life and what I need to work on to make myself better for the next year. This is a special refection. This is my one year post NET refection. It is amazing to believe that a year ago I had just finished serving with NET ministries. It is funny how time flies so fast. In fact that while I am writing this post, I have been reading tweets regarding wrap up week from @netministries on Twitter. Talk about surreal.  Some of their tweets are a friendly reminder of the things I am still working on post NET. They remind me that I am still on a road to holiness, and just because I served the Lord for one year does not mean that I am finished serving. It was only the beginning, now comes the hard part.

Leaving for NET, I knew that I would "Do something Amazing!" NET's slogan for their recruitment campaign. I was ready to preach the gospel to the young people of the Catholic Church. I was ready to abandon most of my worldly possessions and take with me only a suitcase, backpack, sleeping bag and pillow, and truly live as a disciple of the Lord.  I did do something amazing during my time on NET. My team gave 124 retreats, to over 6,000 young people; we travelled over 21,000 miles across 19 states. I have had 595 young women who I have in small groups. Young women who I got to spend time getting to know and got to share the love of Christ with.

But while I did something amazing, something amazing was done in me. I brought something back with me that did not I did not pack in my suitcase or backpack nine months before. Deep in my heart I came to the understanding of what it means to love Christ and what it means to live my life totally for him.  I came back home transformed. I was transformed into a new person, a new creation. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: the old has passed away, behold the new has come." 2 Corinthians 5:17

I was changed spiritually, mentally, and even physically. The physical change came from all the pizza, pulled pork sandwiches, and random van food that I ate. But that is another story, the real change happened inside. Prior to my year on the road, I knew that God loved me. I grew up hearing that God loved me, but I never could truly say that I loved God. Sure I was coming close to understanding but I just could not grasp it. I felt that He loved me but I just wasn't quite good enough, in his embrace of all his people but I was just beyond the fingertips of his embrace. I felt he loved me but he loved other people a lot more than he loved me. During Training at WAPO when Christopher Krocker gave the "God the Father" Talk, something clicked inside of me. It made sense. I KNEW what it meant to be loved by God. The next day we sang the song "How He Loves" and I sang it with all my heart. "If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking and heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way Oh, how He loves us."  I sang those words with all my heart, as I received Him the Eucharist at mass that day and I truly felt the tender embrace of our Lord. I understood what it meant to be in love with the Lord. My heart felt like it was going to pop right out of my chest. That feeling has not left me. Every time I receive Him in the Blessed Sacrament my heart is overwhelmed by the love of the Lord.

The theme verse of my NET year was "that your love may increase ever more" taken from Philippians 1:9. That theme transcended over my entire NET year, the theme of God's love and my love increasing. My personal prayer was very much focused on what it meant it be loved by God. My team's unofficial song was "Unending Love" by Hillsong. That tiny understanding of what it means to be loved by God is what I took away from NET. It is something that will hold dear and continue to seek to grow in understanding of.

While I learned what it meant to be loved by God, I was learning how to love and to be loved by others. My team taught me that. Something I have learned is that everyone has this one major fear that drives the way they live their life. My fear is to be unwanted/unloved. I am so afraid to end up totally alone. In my past I have had some rocky times that have deeply rooted my fear in my heart. I didn't have many friends and was from a very young age teased and bullied. I was made to feel that I had no worth from the people around me.  I have only been in one relationship with a guy, and it was not very healthy. He used "love" to try and make me change the core of my beliefs, and made me feel worthless for the sake of what I thought was "love."  When I refused to sleep with him, he told me that no one would ever love me because I was pathetic. I had a warped ideal of what love really was.

 My team showed me real love and allowed me to love them back. Through them I truly learned what it meant to love your brothers and sisters.  God's love for me was made evident for me in my teammates. Team life and living in community was something that drew me to NET. I wanted people in my life to affirm me and to push me to learn to be closer to Christ. I wanted true brothers and sisters in Christ. God answered my prayers. My brotherhood did something for me that I cannot even express in words. They restored my faith there are truly good men in the world, men that seek to guard women's hearts and want to up hold their dignity. Something that I had lost faith in before I served with NET.  My sisterhood taught me to listen first, to put myself last, and what it means to be a beautiful woman of God.  They listened to me and wanted to understand what was going on deep in my heart. My team loved me and showed me that I deserve to be loved. They made me laugh for hours on end, they made me cry, and at times they made me angry, but through it all they led me to greater holiness. Anney, Matt, Nichole, David, Mary, Kolbe, Chris, Zach, and Jessica, you all have shown me Christ's love and helped me to be me a better person.

 "I thank me God always when I remember you in my prayers, because I hear of your love and of the faith which you have toward the Lord Jesus and all the saints, and I prayer that the sharing of your faith may promote the knowledge of all the good that is ours in Christ. For I have derived much joy and comfort from your love, my brother(s) and (sisters), because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you." Philemon 1:4-7 (The Lord revealed this verse to me during one of our team prayers, since then it has been my special prayer for my teammates)

Life with NET was not easy. Those days when you wake up at 4:45 AM after going to sleep well after midnight, or when you are crying because you don't know what your mom looks like because when you left she had no hair from going through cancer treatments, or even when you were sick and running a fever on a overnight retreat at a camp in the middle of nowhere, while your female Team Leader is away, and you wake up in the morning to find out that the heater was not working and it was 43 degrees in your  bedroom, or even you have a small group that tells you that everything you are telling them is BS. Those are the days where you want to just say, "God Today I give up! I want to go home." But somehow even with the bad days God still worked. Even if everything seemed to go wrong on retreat, there was always at least one young person that walked away changed. Even in our weakness God used us. He doesn't need perfection. He alone is perfect, what he needs is us. When we open ourselves up to be used by him that is when our lives truly can change and can impact the work around us.

Life post NET is just as hard as a year on the road. With NET you spend nine months in a bubble, surrounded by people that love you and push you to grow in your faith. They understand what we are experiencing because they are going through the same things. Life after the road was difficult because no around me understood what I had been through.  I was in a place where no one really understood what NET did to change me. My parents didn't even come to the Thanksgiving Banquet, so they didn't get the taste of NET that most parents experience.  I found it hard to put myself back into normal life. I mourned the loss of my team and really missed the positive atmosphere that I had been surrounded by. I especially missed praying with my team. That is something NETters know, how to do is give the Lord praise. While I have personal prayer almost every day community prayer time is limited. It was hard to cope for a while. It was not something I was prepared for.

Life didn't stop for me after I got back home.  I was one of the older people who were on my team. I turned 24 on the road and had already graduated college. So I didn't have any set plans coming off of NET. During the summer I kept up with doing ministry work. I even got to share my testimony to over 2000 young women at Steubenville on the Bayou, which was an amazing gift.  I staffed a camp in Colorado with my diocese.  I interviewed for a couple of ministry jobs. But that was not what the Lord wanted for me. I ended up taking the most humbling job I could imagine, working for my parents, picking pecans. It was an experience that was very painful at times. It is hard to be a 24 year old who is used to freedom and live under your parents. Working for them reminded me every day that I am called to follow the Lord even if He leads me to a place that I really didn't want to be. The Lord put me exactly where he needed me. Working with my parents I had the unique ability to minister one on one to them. I was quietly able to minister to them by example, by wanting to stop and pray before meals, wanting to know more about the faith, having the ability to share my faith, and a willingness to serve. With time my mom, took notice and began to ask me questions about faith and my relationship with God. It was such a gift and truly amazing to be able to minister to the people that raised me.

My ministry work has not stopped it had just changed. I moved to San Antonio in January and started to work as an administrative assistant. I am not working directly in ministry but I know I exactly where I am supposed to be. I have been able minister to the people I work with and have some really beautiful conversations with one of our agents about why I am Catholic and about how the Lord has work in my life. I have explained more people than I can count about NET. I explained to some wide eyed Jehovah's witnesses that Catholics really do send out missionaries.  I am currently on team for a Young Adult retreat coming up this June.  I am even helping with brainstorming and development for the newly formed Young Adult ministry at my new parish. I am also lucky enough to be a member of the same parish as one of my teammates and a couple other former NETters and some future NETters as well. I know I am in a good place and that the Lord has great things planned for me.

I have experienced something that only a few people well ever understand. Serving with NET not only allowed me to minister to the young people of the church, it allowed me to grow and blossom as a young Catholic. The fire I received from the Holy Spirit at my Confirmation was set aflame for the Lord through NET. NET is a gift to the Catholic Church. They take willing Catholic young people and transform them into powerful missionaries for the New Evangelization. I know this because I am the product of their ministry. I first went on a NET retreat when I was in the fifth grade and I remember thinking I wanted to be like the NETers. I never would have guessed that more than ten years later I would be a NETter myself.

The only talk I gave on the road was the "Fear Not" talk. It was the short wrap up talk that explained what the four things are we can take away from the retreat and use in our everyday lives. They are the four things I have come to depend on, prayer, sacraments, fellowship and service.  I seek the Lord every day in prayer. Sometimes I fail at my 30 minutes a day but try to give the Lord at least a tiny bit of each day.  I find my true nourishment on the Eucharist and acknowledge my sinfulness in confession. I try and surround myself with people that will bring me closer to heaven rather than those who would lead me away from Christ. I also serve others. Blessed Mother Teresa said, "We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love." I am not in the position to do great things. Yes, I served a year with NET and it was great, but  I cannot do that forever. I am called to serve the people around me, to be a missionary right where I am. I spread the love of Christ in my own community, thought the way I talk, the way I dress, and the way I act. I am called to be an example.

While a year has passed some much has changed and much has remained the same. I am still broken, I am still imperfect, and I still am a sinner. What has changed is that I am confident in knowing that I have the love of a father that surpasses all understanding, and I have true and lasting relationship God whom I am in love with. I know that while I am broken I am not shattered. I am a work in progress and He will bring his masterpiece to completion.

I pray especially for NET and their mission. I am so thankful for the opportunity to serve with such an amazing ministry and am honored to be called a NET Alumna. It was the most challenging thing I have done to date and has transformed my life. It opened my eyes to the love of Christ and allowed me to share that love. It gave me true brothers and sisters. The talks given during training are still helping me to grow in my faith. The tools I was given by NET have help to form me into a lifelong missionary. Pope Francis said in his homily on March 14 2013, “We can walk as much as we want, we can build many things, but if we do not profess Jesus Christ things go wrong." 

"I am confident of this, that the one who began a good work in you (me) will continue to complete it till the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

 

The Woman going to the Tomb of Jesus :My Reflection on Suffering

I am broken, I am alone, and I feel utterly useless. I feel ugly and under appreciated. I feel like I am not enough but at the same time I am too much. I feel that no one cares about me. I feel that I am worthless. 

I have all these feelings right now because of where I am in my life. I recently moved, I started a new job, and I am in this new city where I know very few people. Coming from spending a year with NET Ministries, I spent every hour of everyday with at least one other person. I never had time alone. Now I am in a new city, where I only know few people and I work in an office where I only see my boss. So meeting new people is a bit hard. My best friend is my roommate, which is great. But she works nights, has a second job at the church, and is directing a retreat this summer. So she is gone ALOT. And she has her own friends who have completely different schedules from me so I have gone about a month seeing her only a couple times. Depressing I know. To top it all off my mom is currently fighting her own battle with reoccurring breast cancer, so she calls me alot. She knows that I will try my best to make her feel better. I want to make her feel better so I just go one pretending that everything is fine, when in reality I just feel alone.

 I feel all these things and I so often forget how much God loves me. I turn away from him. The only thing I want is to feel happy. I want my suffering to just go away. I so often forget about what it means to follow Christ what it means to be a Christian. Matthew 16:24 "Jesus told his apostles, " If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.'" I want the world to accept me so badly that I forget that I am not called to be of the world. I buy into the lies that the world tells me that if  I act, dress, or look at certain way that all the bad things in my life will just disappear. I forget about the cross. I forget it about what it means to take up the cross. So often we think that life as a Christian is going to be all flowers and butterflies. That is it is going to be easy. But Jesus said, "We have to take up our cross." The cross is not flowers and butterflies. It is a instrument of torture. It is where people went to die. We are called to carry our cross because every cross brings a resurrection. The resurrection could not happen if Jesus had not be crucified.

I find myself much like the women who were going to the tomb of Jesus on that very first Easter Sunday. They were in total despair about what had happened over the past three days. They were so caught up in their suffering and despair they had forgotten what Christ had been teaching them while he was alive. He told them more than once that he was going to die and rise again on the third day.  But their grief and sorrow kept them from remembering his love.

But why do I have to suffer I find myself asking God so often.

 In John 9:1-3 we read "As he passed by, he saw a man blind from his birth. And his disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered "It  was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be made manifest in him" Our suffering is a chance for God to show us his glory. He doesn't want us to suffer in agony. Through our suffering we have a choice. We can draw closer to him or we can turn away from him. If we draw closer to Him, he will show us His glory through our suffering. After all he suffered more than any of us could imagine. He born the weight of all of humanity's  sinfulness and took it to the cross. He knows all about suffering. He took the suffering he bore, a suffering he did not deserve and offered it up to the Father. He spent the last few hours of his life nailed to a cross, alone, and rejected by even those that he had called by name. But his death was not the end. It was by the cross we were saved, through Christ's suffering and passion. Perhaps God is trying to reveal himself in your suffering.

Our suffering brings an opportunity to grow. When we are learning a new things we struggle in the beginning. How many people have learning to play guitar felt that their fingers were going to fall off they hurt so bad, or when you are starting to work out of the first time in a long while and you feel like you can't breathe and the next day your body just aches to the point where you can't even move, or when you were learning to ride a bike how many times your fell down and busted your knees. But isn't your suffering worth it? When you finally can play a song, or you achieve your fitness goals, or when you can enjoy a ride on a bike, isn't your suffering worth it.

"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Roman 5:3-5  Our suffering helps to produce characteristics that would not be reveled otherwise. Saint James says the same thing that Saint Paul told the Romans. "Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of  our faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James1:2-4  Sometimes God chooses to make us uncomfortable in this world so that we can grow closer to him and get to spend all eternity with Him in the next. Our sufferings help us to grow more in union with Christ. God does not give is things that we can't handle. He cares very deeply about our hearts, our minds, our bodies, and most importantly our souls. He knows what is best for our salvation, after all he has redeemed us.  He will deprive us of earthly things or some comfort if that means us spending all eternity with Him in Heaven.

"In this world you would have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." John 16:33

In this world will have to suffer. Because nothing worth it ever comes easy, but Christ promised us that our suffering will not be in vain. We just need to remember that. Some times we are all like the women going to the tomb of Jesus. We have forgotten what he taught us. We are so caught in in our emotions and our sufferings that in fact the suffering can lead us closer to Him. The easiest way to remember what he taught us is to see Him in the Eucharist, to participate in the great sacrament of love, to receive Him Body and soul and have Him become part of us. To Adore him in that great sacrament. His love for us can show is the true meaning of our sufferings.

God doesn't need me or you. He has never needed me or you. But HE wants me and you. He wants to hold us and to love us and make us whole, we just need to believe it.

I want to close with reflection that Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta wrote for the sisters in her order. A reflection that has brought me much peace in my suffering.

Jesus wants me to tell you again... how much he loves He has for each of you- beyond all you can imagine. I worry some of you still have not really met Jesus -one to one- you and Jesus alone. We may spend time in the chapel - but have you seen with the eyes of your soul how He looks at your with love? Do you really know the living Jesus-not from the books but from being with Him in your heart? Have you heard the loving words He speaks to you? Ask for the grace, He is longing to give it.

Until you can hear Jesus in the silence of your own heart, you will not be able to hear Him saying "I thirst" in the hearts of the poor. Never give up this daily intimate contact with Jesus as the real living person- not just the idea. How can we last even one day without hearing Jesus say "I love you" - impossible. Our soul needs that as much as the body needs to breathe the air. If not, prayer is dead- meditation only thinking. Jesus wants you to hear him- speaking in the silence of your heart. Be careful of all that can block personally contact with the living Jesus.

The Devil may try to use the hurts if life, and sometimes your own mistakes - to make your feel it is impossible that Jesus really loves you, is really cleaving to you. This is a danger to all of us. And so sad, because it is completely opposite of what Jesus is really wanting, waiting to tell you. Not only that He loves you, but even more- He longs for you. He misses you when you don't come close. He thirsts for you. He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy. When not accepted by others, even by yourself sometimes- He is the one who always accept you. My children you don't have to be different for Jesus to love you. Only believe - you are precious to Him. Bring all you are suffering to His feet - only open your heart to be loved by Him are you are. He will do the rest.

You all know in your mind that Jesus loves you- but in his letter Mother wants to touch your heart instead... This is why I ask you to read this letter before the Blessed Sacrament, the same place it was written, so that Jesus Himself can speak to each one of you."

I want to make a comment on this post. A special thanks to Father Tommy Chen of his awesome homily on Easter Sunday about the women going to the tomb, to Abby Lantsky for reminding me of the Mother Teresa letters and directing me to listen Fulton Sheen's Teaching on pain and suffering, and most of all I give all glory to my Lord and Savior Jesus. He is the one who gives me Joy in the mist of suffering.

In Him though Her,
Jes

How God Answered My Prayer.... By a couch.

My like has bee nreally unexpected lately. I realized that I have totally failed at keeping this blog. During this time of Lent I have been realizing a lot about myself, my realtionship with Christ, my plans for the future, and so much more.
I am such a failure.  I have been a little depresssed lately too. I have been praying "God please help me to feel the joy I know comes from you."

Here is a way that I totally felt God's love and joy in an unxpected way.

Since moving on January 19th, (my 25th birthday) me and my best friend have been without a couch. She had one but it was in rough shape and why  carry it up a flight of stairs if we are were going to get a new one anyway. So we had been living couchless. After I got my new bed, the twin size bed was moved to the living room as our make shift cough. For the record the twin size mattress was ancient, probally at least thrity years old and it was not the most confortable thing to sit on but it was better than the floor.

We had been actively looking for a couch. Found the perfect one at COSTCO but then it was discontinued. My roommate is 5'11 and would like to have couch that she could strech out on. We even went to IKEA found one but could not take the financail plundge. I even looked at yard sales and trift stores and still nothing that was what we wanted. While I had started a new job, and have active cash flow I had made some major purchases (a new bed and a new car) and needed to wait.

So here it was March and I figured it would be atleast a month if not longer until I found a couch or could afford it. Or so I though.

So last Friday my roommate and I were going to go to Hobby Lobby for some things. We go outside and right next to the dumpster that is about 6 parking spaces away from my car sits a couch. It's dark outside so Laura takes her phone and goes to take a look. I am oblivious to this happening and am already in my car, backing up and I see her looking at this couch. Turns out it was in perfect shape, no wierd stains, no wierd /smokey smell. And it even has a chaise (something we wanted)

After about 30 miniutes trying to get into our apartment. There it was, in out house. Almost the exact couch we wanted to buy but totally free.

God is funny that way. He gave us a couch, but that is not the end of the story. I had been feeling pretty depressed. New city, not that many friends here, mom has cancer I was just depressed. I had been wanting to have people over for a movie night but how can you have a movie night with no couch. But now here it was. Last weekend my little sister just happened to be coming to SA.

After going to mass at 5:30 on Sunday and seeing my former teammate Zach. Somehow we all decided to come back to our apartment, eat and watch my new favorite movie "Wreck IT Ralph" on our new couch. It actually turned out to be one of the best nights I have had in a long time. It was exactly what my heart needed.

It's funny how God answers your prayers.

Dwelling In His Heart

When I was a little girl I had a secret hiding place where I would go to hide from my sisters, to daydream, to pretend  I was in some far off land, and to most of all just to have a place to go where I could be free to be me.   That old corn trailer in back of my parents shop was a safe place for me. It was where I was truly free to be myself. I know I spent hours even days playing, pretending, singing, dancing, reading, and talking to myself in that old trailer whenever I wanted to hide from the world. It was a place where I felt whole and complete and most of all I felt loved.

When I was in junior high, I hated life. I was bullied and had really low self esteem. I wanted for nothing more than to hide myself from the world, I wanted to dig a hole where no one could find me and just live there. I wanted my secret hiding place back. But I could not go back.

From the days of junior high to my college days not too much changed in my life, I had never really found happiness. Looking back now I see that I was not in a relationship with God. While I went to Catholic school from kindergarten to my senior year, I had never really gotten to know God. I knew that He loved me but I didn't really love Him. I was restless. Saint Augustine said, "Our hearts are restless until we rest in thee." There was a hole in my heart and I tied everything to fill it. I did what the world said a young person should do to be happy, but still the ache in my heart just seemed to grow.

It wasn't until I was in college that I really started to live my life for the Lord. When I committed myself to Him, I found the place were I truly belong. The place I call my own isn't even mine at all, it is all His because it is His Most Sacred Heart. It is a place for the broken, the lost, and the unwanted because all are welcome. His heart is not my hiding place, it is quite the opposite, it is my dwelling place, my home. It is the place I find rest and the place I am truly myself. His Heart, which he poured out selflessly so that all might live  is the perfect place for me.

 Hearts are the center of the body, if the heart stops beating the body and  the mind dies. The heart sends blood to the entire body and receives that same blood. When it is lacking the life-giving oxygen the body needs the heart pumps blood to the lungs, and oxygen rich blood flows through the heart it is sent to the place in the body that needs it most. Jesus' heart does the same thing for those who make there dwelling place within. He will fill you with the good things you need and make sure you are sent exactly where you need to be. His Most Sacred Heart has become my home and it is the perfect place for me. For it is where I am made whole, complete, and most all it is where I am loved.

The Most Sacred Heart of Jesus.
Have Mercy on us.
Jes

The Love Which I Have found : My post NET Reflection

Almost a year ago I was preparing to leave to serve nine months doing missionary work with NET Ministries. It is funny how time flies. It is hard to believe that one year ago I left for NET, and my mom's breast cancer went into remission, all on the same day. It is amazing how somethings change dramatically and some things never change.

One year later and I am still broken, still unsure, and still very much a sinner. But I did change. I was transformed into a new person, a new creation. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation: the old has passed away, behold the new has come." 2 Corinthians 5:17 

I didn't the day after the Final mass, go to the nearest convent to sign up to become a nun, though that was what some people I knew thought  I would do.  What had changed the most about me, was my heart. I found out what it means to have a deep and profound relationship with the Lord. I learned what it means to pray.

"Great is the mystery of faith. The Church professes this mystery in the Apostle's Creed and celebrated it in the sacramental liturgy so the life of the faithful may be conformed to Christ in the Holy Spirit to the glory of God the Father. This mystery, then, requires that the faithful believe in it,  that they celebrate it, and that they live from it in a  vital and personal relationship with the true and living God. THIS RELATIONSHIP IS PRAYER."  CCC 2558

Our relationship with God is prayer.  On the road, I discovered what it means to have a relationship with God, and I discovered what it truly means to be in love with the Lord. Before NET, I was restless. I was living very much of the world. I wasn't a terrible person, but I wasn't really living my life for the Lord. 

Saint Augustine wrote in his Confessions, "Our hearts, O Lord, were made for you, and they are restless until they rest in you." 

I was restless living in the world and living of the world. My heart knew that I was made for something bigger but I could not define what that longing was. I prayed but only when I felt like it; it was not a daily routine.  

But something in my heart changed. I remember during fall training at WAPO hearing the talk, God, Our Father. I wept at the realization that God is indeed my father and He wants only good things for me. While bad things have happened in my life, He loves me through those things. While I am still a sinner He sent His own beloved son, Jesus, to die on a cross for my sinners so I could achieve heaven. That is how much He loves me. His love is something that I can never earn but I just get to receive. 

"But God shows his love for us in the while we where yet sinners Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

I can never earn God's love. I don't deserve it and I never will. But God in his goodness lavishes His love upon me. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should have eternal life." John 3:16 

The constant in my prayer life since last October has been God's love. I will spend the whole of my lifetime trying to truly understand what it means to be loved by God, something that I will never understand. 

Life with NET was not easy. Those days when you wake up at 4:45 AM after going to sleep late, or driving over five hours after a retreat, or when you are crying because you don't know what your mom looks like because when you left she had no hair from battling cancer, or even when you were sick running a fever on a overnight retreat at a camp in the middle of nowhere, while your female TL is away,  and you wake up in the morning to find out that the heater was not working and it was 43 degrees in your room and you have a small group. Those are the days where you want to just say, "God Today I give up! I want to go home." But somehow even with the bad days God still works and He still loves us so very much. 

Those are the days where you realize how very much God loves you and how He has provided for you. 

God's love for me was made evident for me in my teammates. Team life and living in community was something that drew me to NET. I wanted people in my life to affirm me and to push me to learn to be closer to Christ. I wanted true brothers and sisters in Christ. God answered my prayers. My brotherhood did something for me that I cannot even express in words. They restored my faith there are truly good men in the world, men that seek to guard women's hearts and want to up hold their dignity. My sisterhood taught me to listen first, to put myself last, and what it means to be a beautiful woman of God. 

My team loved me and showed me that I deserve to be loved. They made me laugh for hours on end, they made me cry, and at times they made me angry, but through it all they lead me to greater holiness. Anney, Matt, Nichole, David, Mary, Kolbe, Chris, Zach, and Jessica, you all have shown me Christ's love and made me a better person. 

"I thank me God always when I remember you in my prayers, because I hear of your love and of the faith which you have toward the Lord Jesus and all the saints, and I prayer that the sharing of your faith my promote the knowledge of all the good that is ours in Christ. For I have derived much joy and comfort from your love, my brother(s) and (sisters), because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you."  Philemon 1:4-7

While a year has passed some much has changed and much has remained the same.  I am still broken, I am still imperfect, and I still am a sinner.  What has changed is that I am confident in knowing that I have the love of a father that surpasses all understanding, and I have true and lasting relationship God whom I am in love with.  I know that while I am broken I am not shattered. I am a work in progress and He will bring his masterpiece to completion. 

"I am confident of this, that the one who began a good work in you (me) will continue to complete it till the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

Dressing with Dignity

There is something about being a woman, something that is so amazing you can't quite put words to it. Women have something that men do not have. It is what makes us women. It is something captivating. We also have a lot of power because we are captivating.

As women we have a God given beauty. And this beauty draws people to us. But this God given beauty needs to be protected.  Some many young women fall into the trap that in order to be seen as beautiful they have to display everything for all the world to see. They have to dress in short shorts, low  cut tops, and low rise pants to show off their beauty and to attract a man. But this could not be farther than the truth. 

Dressing modestly does not mean you are a prude or you have to dress in burkas everyday. It is about upholding your dignity and respecting yourself. I know I have fallen into the trap that I needed to dress a certain way to get a man's attention. I have done it and I thought that it was fine. But I was not only downgrading my dignity as a woman but I am tempting my brothers in Christ and most likely someone's future husband by the way I dress.

Attraction is fine. But do you really want a guy looking at you saying "Wow She has really nice boobs. I am attracted to her." Or would you rather have someone look at you and say, " Wow she is smart, funny, and beautiful. I am attracted to her." Modestly helps to the world to see you are a whole being not just the sum of your parts.

If we dress in such a way to call attention to our sexual bodily parts, we invite a response of lust from others. Lust, reduces a person to only their sexuality. The person, who is created in the image and likeness of God is no longer seen unique and irreplaceable being that is to be protected and treasured, but rather they are seen simply as a means to my own satisfaction. Lust is not about being attracted to the personality or the spiritual beauty of a person, and it is not about looking out for what is best for the other. Its only aim is using the person to gratify a personal sexual drive.  By dressing modestly we can protect for dignity and provides a defense against being used solely for our bodies.

Finally one final plug for modesty, it attracts the kind of guys you want to attract. If you wonder where all the good guys have gone, you should consider how you present yourself.

Remember friends and sisters, it says in Song of Songs 1:15 "Ah my beloved how beautiful you are." You are beautiful and what you wear should reflect the beauty that God created you with not cheapen it.

In Him Through Her,
Jes