I am broken, I am alone, and I feel utterly useless. I feel ugly and under appreciated. I feel like I am not enough but at the same time I am too much. I feel that no one cares about me. I feel that I am worthless.
I have all these feelings right now because of where I am in my life. I recently moved, I started a new job, and I am in this new city where I know very few people. Coming from spending a year with NET Ministries, I spent every hour of everyday with at least one other person. I never had time alone. Now I am in a new city, where I only know few people and I work in an office where I only see my boss. So meeting new people is a bit hard. My best friend is my roommate, which is great. But she works nights, has a second job at the church, and is directing a retreat this summer. So she is gone ALOT. And she has her own friends who have completely different schedules from me so I have gone about a month seeing her only a couple times. Depressing I know. To top it all off my mom is currently fighting her own battle with reoccurring breast cancer, so she calls me alot. She knows that I will try my best to make her feel better. I want to make her feel better so I just go one pretending that everything is fine, when in reality I just feel alone.
I feel all these things and I so often forget how much God loves me. I turn away from him. The only thing I want is to feel happy. I want my suffering to just go away. I so often forget about what it means to follow Christ what it means to be a Christian. Matthew 16:24 "Jesus told his apostles, " If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.'" I want the world to accept me so badly that I forget that I am not called to be of the world. I buy into the lies that the world tells me that if I act, dress, or look at certain way that all the bad things in my life will just disappear. I forget about the cross. I forget it about what it means to take up the cross. So often we think that life as a Christian is going to be all flowers and butterflies. That is it is going to be easy. But Jesus said, "We have to take up our cross." The cross is not flowers and butterflies. It is a instrument of torture. It is where people went to die. We are called to carry our cross because every cross brings a resurrection. The resurrection could not happen if Jesus had not be crucified.
I find myself much like the women who were going to the tomb of Jesus on that very first Easter Sunday. They were in total despair about what had happened over the past three days. They were so caught up in their suffering and despair they had forgotten what Christ had been teaching them while he was alive. He told them more than once that he was going to die and rise again on the third day. But their grief and sorrow kept them from remembering his love.
But why do I have to suffer I find myself asking God so often.
In John 9:1-3 we read "As he passed by, he saw a man blind from his birth. And his disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be made manifest in him" Our suffering is a chance for God to show us his glory. He doesn't want us to suffer in agony. Through our suffering we have a choice. We can draw closer to him or we can turn away from him. If we draw closer to Him, he will show us His glory through our suffering. After all he suffered more than any of us could imagine. He born the weight of all of humanity's sinfulness and took it to the cross. He knows all about suffering. He took the suffering he bore, a suffering he did not deserve and offered it up to the Father. He spent the last few hours of his life nailed to a cross, alone, and rejected by even those that he had called by name. But his death was not the end. It was by the cross we were saved, through Christ's suffering and passion. Perhaps God is trying to reveal himself in your suffering.
Our suffering brings an opportunity to grow. When we are learning a new things we struggle in the beginning. How many people have learning to play guitar felt that their fingers were going to fall off they hurt so bad, or when you are starting to work out of the first time in a long while and you feel like you can't breathe and the next day your body just aches to the point where you can't even move, or when you were learning to ride a bike how many times your fell down and busted your knees. But isn't your suffering worth it? When you finally can play a song, or you achieve your fitness goals, or when you can enjoy a ride on a bike, isn't your suffering worth it.
"We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Roman 5:3-5 Our suffering helps to produce characteristics that would not be reveled otherwise. Saint James says the same thing that Saint Paul told the Romans. "Count it all joy, my brethren, when you meet various trials, for you know that the testing of our faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James1:2-4 Sometimes God chooses to make us uncomfortable in this world so that we can grow closer to him and get to spend all eternity with Him in the next. Our sufferings help us to grow more in union with Christ. God does not give is things that we can't handle. He cares very deeply about our hearts, our minds, our bodies, and most importantly our souls. He knows what is best for our salvation, after all he has redeemed us. He will deprive us of earthly things or some comfort if that means us spending all eternity with Him in Heaven.
"In this world you would have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." John 16:33
In this world will have to suffer. Because nothing worth it ever comes easy, but Christ promised us that our suffering will not be in vain. We just need to remember that. Some times we are all like the women going to the tomb of Jesus. We have forgotten what he taught us. We are so caught in in our emotions and our sufferings that in fact the suffering can lead us closer to Him. The easiest way to remember what he taught us is to see Him in the Eucharist, to participate in the great sacrament of love, to receive Him Body and soul and have Him become part of us. To Adore him in that great sacrament. His love for us can show is the true meaning of our sufferings.
God doesn't need me or you. He has never needed me or you. But HE wants me and you. He wants to hold us and to love us and make us whole, we just need to believe it.
I want to close with reflection that Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta wrote for the sisters in her order. A reflection that has brought me much peace in my suffering.
Jesus wants me to tell you again... how much he loves He has for each of you- beyond all you can imagine. I worry some of you still have not really met Jesus -one to one- you and Jesus alone. We may spend time in the chapel - but have you seen with the eyes of your soul how He looks at your with love? Do you really know the living Jesus-not from the books but from being with Him in your heart? Have you heard the loving words He speaks to you? Ask for the grace, He is longing to give it.
Until you can hear Jesus in the silence of your own heart, you will not be able to hear Him saying "I thirst" in the hearts of the poor. Never give up this daily intimate contact with Jesus as the real living person- not just the idea. How can we last even one day without hearing Jesus say "I love you" - impossible. Our soul needs that as much as the body needs to breathe the air. If not, prayer is dead- meditation only thinking. Jesus wants you to hear him- speaking in the silence of your heart. Be careful of all that can block personally contact with the living Jesus.
The Devil may try to use the hurts if life, and sometimes your own mistakes - to make your feel it is impossible that Jesus really loves you, is really cleaving to you. This is a danger to all of us. And so sad, because it is completely opposite of what Jesus is really wanting, waiting to tell you. Not only that He loves you, but even more- He longs for you. He misses you when you don't come close. He thirsts for you. He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy. When not accepted by others, even by yourself sometimes- He is the one who always accept you. My children you don't have to be different for Jesus to love you. Only believe - you are precious to Him. Bring all you are suffering to His feet - only open your heart to be loved by Him are you are. He will do the rest.
You all know in your mind that Jesus loves you- but in his letter Mother wants to touch your heart instead... This is why I ask you to read this letter before the Blessed Sacrament, the same place it was written, so that Jesus Himself can speak to each one of you."
I want to make a comment on this post. A special thanks to Father Tommy Chen of his awesome homily on Easter Sunday about the women going to the tomb, to Abby Lantsky for reminding me of the Mother Teresa letters and directing me to listen Fulton Sheen's Teaching on pain and suffering, and most of all I give all glory to my Lord and Savior Jesus. He is the one who gives me Joy in the mist of suffering.
In Him though Her,
Jes
